Right Livelihood and True Love

Summary

This transcript captures a question-and-answer session from a retreat held on 23 August 2014, described as the fifth day of a retreat on understanding ease of love. The speaker addresses the Sangha, explains the format for children, teenagers, and adults, and repeatedly emphasizes that a good question should come from the heart and relate to one’s practice, suffering, happiness, success, or failure. The session is framed as a communal practice: participants listen to the bell, breathe together, and ask questions that can benefit many people. A first theme concerns choice and doubt. In response to a question about how to choose and how to get rid of doubt, the speaker argues that freedom of choice is often an illusion because preferences are already conditioned within a person. He illustrates this with an anecdote from a department store in Tokyo, where he says he does not choose objects but lets them “choose” him. Doubt, he explains, is not necessarily negative; it can be helpful because it prevents overconfidence and encourages deeper reflection. Another major theme is worry and emotional regulation. In response to a child’s question, the speaker advises breathing in and out to restore calm. He explains that worry weakens one’s ability to respond skillfully when difficulty actually arrives. Calmness, compassion, and the absence of anger or hatred are presented as protective energies. The speaker extends this advice beyond children, presenting it as a deep practice for adults as well. The talk then turns to Buddhism itself. When asked what he loves most about Buddhism, the speaker highlights its tolerance and lack of fanaticism. He emphasizes that Buddhism should not be used to exclude or attack other traditions. Instead, it should foster love and understanding of Christianity, Islam, Judaism, and other paths. He also quotes the Buddha’s teaching that one should not become attached even to Buddhism or the Buddha himself. For him, the best aspect of Buddhism is freedom from dogmatism. Compassion is discussed in depth, especially in relation to the term karuna. The speaker clarifies that true compassion does not mean suffering in the same way as the other person. Using the example of a physician, he explains that one must understand another’s suffering without being overwhelmed by it. He extends this to bodhisattvas, social workers, and psychotherapists, who need enough joy, love, patience, and understanding to remain effective. Compassion is presented as a capacity to understand and help, not as emotional collapse. Family conflict is another central topic. One question concerns a dispute over an aunt’s finances and a brother’s compensation. The speaker identifies the root problem as lack of mutual understanding. He recommends calming oneself through mindful breathing and walking, then writing a letter with loving speech that expresses one’s own suffering while also acknowledging the brother’s suffering. He suggests involving friends who can help communicate the message. The goal is not to win an argument but to restore understanding and find a solution that works for both sides. The session also addresses attachment and letting go. In response to a question about difficulty releasing loved ones, the speaker reframes the issue: if one practices true love, one does not need to worry about letting go. He names the four qualities of loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity as the basis of love that does not create suffering. Self-love and self-acceptance are explored through the lens of no-self and ancestry. A psychotherapist asks why lack of self-worth seems so common. The speaker explains that people suffer when they think of themselves as separate and isolated. Through meditation, one sees that one is made of non-self elements and is the continuation of ancestors, including parents. Recognizing this continuity allows acceptance of both strengths and weaknesses and opens the way to transformation. A particularly serious exchange concerns a friend who was abandoned as a child and has expressed suicidal thoughts. The speaker urges understanding the suffering of the parents who abandoned the child and seeing the child as a continuation of those parents. He argues that if the person dies, there will be no opportunity to transform the suffering inherited from the parents. If the person remains alive and practices, they can help heal both themselves and their ancestors. The talk also addresses a difficult mother-child relationship involving alcoholism, sex addiction, and boundaries around grandchildren. The speaker advises accepting the mother as she is while protecting the children and using loving speech, letters, and compassionate communication to touch the seed of understanding in her. Non-duality and selective watering are discussed through the metaphor of the lotus and the mud. The speaker explains that suffering is necessary, but one should not add more suffering by watering negative seeds such as anger, fear, and despair. Instead, one should intentionally nourish seeds of joy, understanding, and love, because those are often undernourished in daily life. Sexuality and the third mindfulness training are addressed with strong emphasis on respect, mutual understanding, and true love. The speaker says that loneliness cannot be cured by sex alone, and that empty sex is destructive. He insists that the body contains sacred and forbidden places that should only be entered with deep love and respect. Sexuality without true love is described as a crime, while sexuality with true love can be beautiful. Finally, the speaker discusses right livelihood and the pressure of work. In response to a question about careers that demand much time, he says it is better to earn less than to sacrifice time for living and loving. Time, he concludes, is more valuable than money. The session ends with the announcement that there will be no walking meditation that day, and participants are encouraged to enjoy tea and conversation together.