Is it ever okay to tell a lie?

Summary

This transcript captures a Dharma talk and question-and-answer session led by Thich Nhat Hanh at Plum Village’s Lower Hamlet during the Summer Retreat 2012. The session begins with contemplative chanting and repeated invocations of mindfulness, the Sangha, compassion, and awakening. The opening atmosphere emphasizes collective practice: breathing together, chanting together, and transcending the illusion of a separate self. The talk then shifts into a structured Q&A format, with children, teenagers, and adults invited to ask questions after hearing the bell and practicing three mindful breaths. A central theme throughout the exchange is the practical application of mindfulness in relationships and daily life. In response to a child asking why a brother is nasty, Thich Nhat Hanh explains that unkind behavior usually comes from suffering and unhappiness. He frames meditation as the ability to look deeply into another person’s pain and to respond in ways that help reduce suffering. He similarly explains the purpose of chanting Avalokiteshvara: to generate compassion, touch one’s own suffering, and cultivate concentration by aligning mind, body, and speech. He also interprets his hand gestures during chanting as a means of focusing attention inward, outward, and universally on suffering. Another major topic is monastic life and the meaning of shaving the head. He explains that for monastics, the shaved head is not merely symbolic but serves as a reminder of celibacy, dedication to practice, and the monastic identity. He then addresses how to respond when love begins turning into hate. His answer emphasizes mindfulness, early recognition of emotional transformation, and the need to “feed” love through thoughts, speech, and actions rooted in kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. He describes how retreats can restore communication between estranged family members or partners through breathing, deep listening, and loving speech, recounting examples from retreats in which participants reconciled with parents using telephone calls after several days of practice. The talk also explores truthfulness and skillful means. When asked whether it is acceptable to lie to avoid hurting someone, he warns that lies can destroy trust and later cause greater harm. Instead, he advocates finding skillful ways to tell the truth gently, sometimes by first telling a related story so the listener can gradually receive the message. This is linked to the Fourth Mindfulness Training, which concerns right speech and deep listening. He repeatedly stresses that truth should be conveyed with care, minimizing unnecessary shock while still remaining honest. Another recurring concern is how to live spiritually with a partner who is not interested in spirituality. Thich Nhat Hanh advises not to impose practice or labels on others. Instead, one should embody the Dharma through ordinary actions such as drinking tea mindfully and living the Five Mindfulness Trainings naturally, without display or self-conscious performance. He calls this “practicing the non-practice,” meaning that authentic practice should be integrated, humble, and non-ostentatious. The discussion also addresses gender and monastic precepts. In response to a question about why sisters have more precepts than brothers, he clarifies that these additional precepts were not imposed by the Buddha or by monks, but were adopted by the bhikshuni community itself as supportive spiritual guidelines. He presents this as a choice made by the sisters for their own practice. A deeply personal section concerns father-child relationships, including cases where children have no direct relationship with their fathers, such as through artificial insemination or emotional absence. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that one can still recognize the father within oneself through one’s gestures, smile, and reactions. He encourages speaking to the father inside one’s body, acknowledging both positive and negative inherited traits, and using Dharma practice to transform what has been transmitted. He also explains that compassion can arise when one understands that an absent or unresponsive father may be blocked by suffering and may not have had the conditions to manifest love. The talk then moves into more philosophical territory with a question about enlightenment and the biggest notion he has overcome. He identifies the notion of a separate self as the most fundamental illusion. He explains no-self through the five aggregates, interbeing, and images of rivers and clouds to show that identity is a process of continual change rather than a permanent entity. He rejects simplistic ideas of reincarnation as a soul moving unchanged from body to body, and instead emphasizes impermanence, interdependence, and the reality of no birth and no death. He links this to the practice of recognizing that there is only breathing, only smiling, and no separate breather or smiler. The issue of suicide in the monastic community is addressed with seriousness. He explains that suffering can be deeply rooted and inherited, and that some practitioners heal quickly while others do not. He insists that people must be honest with the Sangha about their pain and not hide their despair. Taking refuge in the Sangha means genuinely relying on the collective energy of the community for support, guidance, and healing. He extends this advice to lay practitioners as well. In the final portion, he responds to a question about whether one still suffers after reaching “the other shore.” He answers that even awakened beings continue to encounter suffering, but they no longer become victims of it. Instead, they know how to use suffering as compost, like a gardener transforming garbage into nourishment for flowers. He uses this to reinterpret the Kingdom of God not as a place without suffering, but as a place where suffering is transformed into understanding and compassion. The closing question concerns the creation of practice centers in cities such as Toulouse and Lyon. He gives a brief answer, saying that the details should be worked out by the local Sangha, and then transitions to instructions for a formal meal, emphasizing that eating together mindfully can generate collective energy of peace, joy, and healing.