Children and their Experience of Divorce

Summary

This transcript captures a question-and-answer session led by Thich Nhat Hanh at Plum Village’s Lower Hamlet, in the Assembly of Stars Meditation Hall, on July 11, 2013. The session is structured for children first, then teenagers, young adults, and adults, with an emphasis on asking “the question of the heart” rather than superficial questions. Thich Nhat Hanh repeatedly instructs participants to listen to the bell and breathe mindfully before speaking, framing the entire exchange as a practice of presence, not merely an intellectual discussion. A major theme is the nature of reality and existence. In response to a child’s question about why the world exists, he points to the Buddhist teaching that it is not correct to say the world “is,” and not correct to say it “is not,” suggesting a view beyond fixed dualities. He also addresses a child’s confusion about love in the context of parental divorce, explaining that parents often suffer because they never learned true love. He encourages children to learn how to love through practice so they can avoid repeating their parents’ patterns and even help their parents reconcile. He describes children’s retreats in Plum Village, where young people learn to breathe, handle fear and anger, and cultivate self-love and love for others. Another important topic is God and spiritual perception. Thich Nhat Hanh explains that God can be recognized in many forms—a flower, sunshine, a river, or a child—if one has mindfulness, concentration, and insight. God is not confined to a single form and is always present in the here and now. This same nondual, experiential approach is extended to death and impermanence. In response to a question about how long one lives, he teaches the Buddhist insight of no birth and no death, citing the French scientist Lavoisier’s idea that nothing is created or destroyed. He suggests that deep looking can reveal the true nature of reality and remove fear of dying. The talk then turns to family suffering, especially divorce and conflict. When asked how parents can tell children they love them while fighting, he advises compassion rather than blame. He proposes that children write a love letter to their parents, acknowledging their suffering, asking them not to fight in front of the children, and encouraging them to attend a mindfulness retreat. He emphasizes that people who hurt others are often hurting themselves and do not know how to handle their suffering. The appropriate response is to understand their pain and support transformation rather than condemnation. A substantial portion of the session focuses on anger, guilt, and emotional transformation. He explains that anger grows when it is fed by what one sees, hears, reads, and consumes, including violent media and harmful conversations. The first practice is therefore to stop nourishing anger through mindful consumption and to ask friends for support in doing so. The second practice is to contemplate suffering deeply, seeing that others’ harmful actions often arise from their own pain. Compassion is presented as the antidote to anger. He also addresses guilt and regret, teaching that the present moment can transform the past: by generating a compassionate thought today, one can neutralize an unskillful thought from yesterday. He encourages direct, kind communication—such as making a compassionate phone call—to replace guilt with healing. He further discusses how to work with intense anger in the body, describing physical signs such as heat and a red face. He advises not feeding anger and cultivating compassion through mindfulness. He also explains that one’s parents continue in one’s own body and consciousness; like a cloud becoming rain and tea, a father is not absent but transformed. This teaching of continuation helps dissolve regret, sadness, and separation. The conversation includes practical guidance for supporting suffering loved ones without losing oneself. He stresses the importance of knowing one’s limits, preserving one’s own well-being, and relying on the Sangha—one’s community of practice—for support. He notes that even therapists need nourishment and cannot endlessly absorb others’ suffering without care for themselves. In the French section, he redefines prayer in Buddhism as a form of meditation. Prayer is effective when it contains mindfulness, concentration, and insight, because these energies bring healing and transformation. He emphasizes that the Buddha is not a god outside oneself but a human being who realized mindfulness and awakening, and that everyone has Buddha nature. Prayer can be directed not only to Buddhas and Bodhisattvas, but also to ancestors, Mother Earth, Father Sun, stars, rivers, mountains, dogs, and oneself, because all are interconnected and present within one another. Ultimately, he concludes that prayer, when done with true presence, generates peace, love, and understanding, and can transform both the practitioner and the world.